Episode 68: Stop Settling

You are listening to the Overcome Pornography for Good podcast episode 68, Stop Settling. 

Welcome to the Overcome Pornography For Good podcast where we take a research-based, trauma informed and results focused approach to quitting porn. This approach has been revolutionary and changed thousands and thousands of lives. I’m your host, Sara Brewer. 

Hey, you guys, welcome to the podcast episode this week. I am so glad that you're here. Before we dive into the content for this week, I want to just say, hey, thank you so much for those of you who have left me a review on the podcast. I so appreciate it, it helps me get my message out. I love reading through them. I read through every single one. If you haven't done that yet, I would love it if you would. It takes just a minute.

I want to share a review that one of you recently left me here on the podcast, it says, “Changed my life. Seriously, this podcast changed the entire course of my life. I thought I would be dealing with this forever. I have tried addiction groups, bishops, seminars, other porn recovery related podcasts, and even a paid personal therapist for a few months.

Then I found Sara's podcast and instantly knew it was over for me. I binge listened to every episode and since then have been sitting through every urge, processing, and feeling my emotions, and believing I am actually over this habit. I haven't had a single issue since.

What makes her approach different, in my mind, comes down to two major things. Number one, she gives you the skills to actually talk yourself down when you have an urge or need to process an emotion. A lot of people know your emotions are involved, but they don't teach you how to process them or give you these skills.

Second, she changes your beliefs about porn itself and about yourself. A month ago I thought I would be dealing with porn for my entire life. And I can confidently say I don't believe that is true anymore.” Oh, thank you so much, I so appreciate it. And then at the end, they say, give some recommendations for if you're just starting to listen, start with the first three episodes, then episode 26. And then the four pillars in episodes 46 through 49. So that's their recommendation, and I agree.

I think I even said that a couple of weeks ago. I said yeah, start with those if you're a little bit new to the podcast. So thank you, thank you, I really, really appreciate that. And yeah, you don't have to struggle with this forever.

So let's talk about settling. And the title of this podcast episode is Stop Settling. When we buffer, so remember buffering is a term that I use for actions that we take to avoid emotions. So sometimes we eat ice cream to avoid our emotions. Sometimes we play video games to avoid our emotions. We look at porn to avoid our emotions, right? Porn use, unwanted porn use is a buffer, it's an escape.

So we buffer to avoid emotions, really to avoid our lives. If you stop and think about it, buffering is settling for a mediocre and a barely manageable life. When you are engaged in buffers and you feel like you can't live your life without buffers, it's you saying my life is barely manageable and I need these escapes from it or else I can't cope.

And now, listen, there is like healthy escape and it's important to rest. And that's not what I'm saying, right? It's important to rest and I'm all for watching TV and relaxing, but when we need pornography or other buffers to barely cope with life, there's a problem. And unfortunately that is so many people.

In our world today there are so many options for buffering that so many of us just settle for a life where we escape and that's our joy time. Like that's the time when we're enjoying life, is when we're escaping, instead of creating a life that we don't want to escape. Instead of creating a life that we really want.

And so you get to choose today, by the end of this podcast episode. You get to choose right now if you're going to continue to settle, and continue to buffer, and continue to barely make your life manageable. Or if you're going to going to choose to work towards a great, incredible, beautiful dream life.

I recently saw TikTok, I always talk about TikTok because I love TikTok. But I recently saw a TikTok that said instead of using your weekends to escape your life, use your weekends to create a life you don't want to escape. And I'm like, oh, that's so good and so true. And so I want to just say that here, but with pornography.

Instead of settling for a life where you escape with porn and other buffers, let's create a life that you don't want to escape, that you don't feel like you need to escape. Let's put your time, and effort, and resources, and energy into that instead of putting your time, and effort, and resources, and energy into escaping life.

When you continue in your unwanted porn habit, you are settling. When you are not taking care of your brain, and not focused on your brain, and not changing your brain, you are settling for mediocre life. And here's the thing, you guys, we get one. We get one life, and so stop settling, okay?

Here is what you settle for, some specific things you settle for when you continue porn use, unwanted porn use, buffering with porn, and when you continue not getting coached and not getting your brain in the right place. You settle for a mind racing with regret. A life full of fear and shame. A life where you feel out of control and your brain is telling you that you're out of control. And your brain is telling you that you should feel shameful. And your brain is telling you you should feel fearful.

You settle for a life accepting lies about the limits of yourself. How many of us are just saying, “Well, this is about the best I can do. And this is my limit.” And remember, I'm not saying this from a place of like, come on, do more. Do better. I'm saying this from a place of like you have so much potential, and you can love yourself there. And all you have to do is you have to start working on your brain instead of beating yourself up.

But let's stop accepting lies about what we're capable of and what you're capable of. What are the lies that you're telling yourself right now that you can do? Maybe the lie is like I can only quit porn for a couple months. Maybe the lie is I can only make this much money. Maybe the lie is I can only have this kind of relationship.

When you aren't working on your brain, you're settling for accepting those lies about yourself. You don't have to do that. You can tell yourself I'm done accepting and believing those lies about myself. Maybe you're settling for worry about your family and your marriage and your future. When you continue porn use and not working on getting your brain in the right spot, you're settling for believing that you're unworthy, dirty, and wrong.

You are settling for feeling humiliated talking to people about this, talking to other people about this. Worried that it's going to come up and that you're going to feel humiliated. You settle for feeling exhausted and defeated in willpower with that willpower cycle. Willpower, react, resist, react, resist react, it's exhausting. You settle for passing up opportunities like promotions or dating because you don't think that you're good enough.

I cannot tell you how many people I've coached on this that say I'm not good enough and so I'm not going to ask this girl out. I'm not good enough so I'm not going to go for this promotion. You pass up opportunities when you're not working on your brain. Are you going to continue to settle for a life where you pass up opportunities?

You settle for spending money on things that help you escape instead of create. Like spending all your money on vacations, and shoes, or shopping, video games, other buffers like fast food and ice cream. And like I said, nothing wrong with vacation. I love vacation, I spend tons of money on vacation. But are you spending more money on escaping your life? Or are you spending more money on creating a beautiful life that you really want? Really stop and think about that.

I think it's fascinating that we've all been conditioned that we go to work, and we make this money and then we use that money to really live our life. Instead of being like no, my work is my life and I love my life and I love my work. And I'm using money how I want to, but my purpose of money, my purpose of spending this money isn't to go and escape my life.

Are you using your money to create a beautiful life, to create skills that will help you get what you want in life, to create, I don't know, education, whatever it is? Coaching, oh my gosh, you guys. Oh my gosh, I cannot tell you how much money I've spent on coaching and how it has been the absolute best money I've ever spent.

Are we using money to create a beautiful life? Or are we using money to escape our life and to make our life barely manageable? Just something for you to start thinking about. And when you aren't working on your brain, you're also settling for not using the gifts that you have to show up in the world. Instead, you're settling for a life where you're always trying to fix problems inside of you instead of using the gifts you have to fix the world.

Let's take care of our life, let's take care of our brain, let's learn how to stop buffering so that we aren't using all of our energy to fix ourselves, but we’re able to use our energy to create healing and to create goodness with the gifts that we have in the world. It is not worth spending any more time buffering. It is not worth spending any more time in your life buffering and settling for a mediocre life. Let's get our brains in the right space.

Stop buffering, create the life that you want. Stop settling for a life that you're not crazy about. Because what you can have, instead of what you're settling for, like some ideas of what you can have is you can have peace, joy, and fulfilling relationships. You can have a marriage where you love each other and are crazy about each other.

And of course it's going to be 50/50. Of course, it's going to be half great and half difficult, but it can be fulfilling and beautiful. You can have a purpose-filled life, where you hit your head on that pillow every single night and you know that you've made a difference in the world and that you've created goodness.

You can have energy and strength in your body. So many of you tell me about the fog and the numbness that you get in when you're stuck in these porn cycles. You're feeling foggy, you're feeling numb, you don't have to feel that anymore. You don't have to settle for feeling foggy and numb, instead you can have a body that is full of energy and strength. You can go for the promotion, you can get the promotion, you can fail your way until you have the promotion.

You can have a thriving successful business, if you want, that allows you to have time to travel and to spend time with the people that you love. But you've got to stop settling. You've got to stop accepting lies about what you are capable of. And listen, I know that a lot of you have been told these things from when you were young, right?

What did they tell us in school? They were like, okay, well, how are your grades? What are you interested in? How successful have you been in school up to this point? Okay, well, with the grades you have, you could probably have this kind of job, and you could probably do this type of thing.

So a lot of us have been conditioned to think about our lives in this way. But you can decide right now that you're not going to settle for believing lies about what you're capable of. And you can find example after example after example of people who have been where you have and have created the dream life that you want, right?

How many examples are there? So how many successful people who are actually really terrible at school, right? How good you are at schools says nothing about what your future is going to be. How long you've struggled with porn in the past means nothing about what your future is going to look like.

You can have a life without porn, where you're not worried about it at all. Imagine that, where you're not spending your brain energy towards fearing that you're going to slip up anymore. That doesn't have to be a problem for you anymore. But it's going to require you to learn how to stop buffering, to learn how to stop settling, and you do that by investing time, energy, and resources towards changing your brain.

And I'm not just talking about joining the program, which I mean I am partly. If you're feeling that calling, if you've been playing with that in your mind a little bit and you're like, “Should I join the program? Should I not join the program?” Stop wasting your time and settling for a life that you don't want and make a decision that will help you get where you want to go in life.

But like I said, I'm not just talking about joining the program. I'm talking about putting in all the time, and effort, and energy into doing the program work and changing those beliefs and changing those neural pathways in your brain. There is nothing more important than investing time, energy, resources into your brain.

I used to think that the most important thing to invest time and energy and resources towards was like the stock market or smart investments, and then what I realized is the most important investment I have is my brain. Because my brain, and your brain, the state of our brains determines the state of your life, determines the state of your relationships, determines the state of your job. It determines the state of your financial situations, it determines the state of your health. That's where it all starts.

The state of your brain determines the state of everything else. And so if you want to stop settling for a mediocre life, you've got to start putting your energy into changing your brain. This is what's different than what so many people have taught you about porn. They don't talk about this part, the rewiring your brain, the changing the way that you believe, the changing believing the lies that you have about yourself. But that's the root of it. And learning how to stop buffering, learning that emotional management, learning the mindfulness skills that we've talked about.

I'm so grateful to my past self who didn't just settle. There are so many things that I could have settled for. I could have said, “Well, this job is good enough. I’m not crazy about it, but it's good enough.” Oh my gosh, I'm so glad I didn't do that. Talked to my dad about that yesterday because my dad actually was the one who had a conversation with me, he said, “Is that really what you want to do?” What I really wanted to do was coach, help a lot of people coaching. I'm so glad I didn't settle.

I'm so glad I didn't settle for relationships that were not good for me where I thought it's good enough. I'm so glad I didn't do that. I'm so glad I didn't just settle for a life that I didn't really want. I love being a mom, I absolutely love being a mom. I love my kids more than anything, but I could have easily said, well, being a mom and only that is good enough and important enough, and so I'm going to ignore what I really want inside instead of going after this other part of me that wanted something different.

Now I get both. Now I get to spend a lot of time with my kids and have a thriving career and help a lot of people. I'm so glad I didn't just accept that it's either or. It's either be a good mom and don't work, or be a bad mom and do work. I'm so glad I didn't settle for that. I'm so glad that I stopped settling for a life where I was just escaping by buffering.

It’s some of the hardest work you can do, but some of the most freeing work you can do and some of the most beautiful, fulfilling work you can do. And I want that for every single one of you listening to this podcast.

So if there's that part of you that, like you can feel inside of you that knows is pushing you towards joining the program and committing, going all in, starting to do this work, of course I want to invite you to come and join us. Of course I want to do that.

I had a client who sent this in a few days ago, they said, “I was able to coach with Sara on the coaching call yesterday and it helped me so much. I'm so grateful for you coaches and everything that you're doing to help me with this. Now that I'm in the program and working through these modules, I cannot believe it's so cheap. I love analyzing my thought process and seeing so many places where I can stop. This is helping me so much, it's incredibly rewarding.”

So you can join us sarabrewer.com/workwithme. But even more important than that, you guys, is just decide today we're done settling. I am done settling for mediocre life, and instead I'm going to choose wherever that leads me, wherever that leads me, whatever program, whatever person, whatever thing that is that it leads me to I'm going to start investing in my brain. I'm going to start creating the life that I really want and focusing on the state of my brain instead of spending all my time resources and energy towards escaping my brain and escaping my life.

All right, you guys, have a great week and we'll talk to you next week. Bye bye.

I want to invite you to come and listen to my free training called How to Quit Viewing Pornography Even if You've Tried in the Past. If you like the podcast, you will love this free training. We talk about, number one, how to not rely on willpower or phone filters so that you can actually stop wanting pornography.

Number two, how to guarantee that you won't fail no matter how many times you've tried in the past. And number three, how to feel good about yourself while becoming someone who doesn't struggle with pornography. You can access this training at sarabrewer.com/masterclass.