Episode 185: Shame-Free Commitment

You are listening to the Overcome Pornography for Good podcast episode 185, Shame-Free Commitment.

Welcome to the Overcome Pornography For Good podcast where we take a research-based, trauma informed and results focused approach to quitting porn. This approach has been revolutionary and changed thousands and thousands of lives. I’m your host, Sara Brewer. 

Hey everyone. Today’s episode is going to be a recording of a class, a short little blurb from one of the milestones in the program. It’s all about shame-free commitment and why that is such an important part of the process to quitting porn or whatever your goal is here. To feel more in control, to have less out of control behavior, less binges, whatever that is. 

Please enjoy this episode. And for those of you who want to come and join us in the program, we would love to have you. You can come join us at SaraBrewer.com/workwithme. As soon as you join you get lifetime access to all of the things. Even if we change it in the future where it is more of a membership model and not lifetime access, that lifetime access will always be offered to you. 

So those of you who after listening to this feel that little call, that little bubble up that’s like, oh, it’s time. It’s time for me to go. It’s time for me to go get some more help with this, you can come sign up and hop on a call with us as soon as you sign up. 

All right, you guys, enjoy this episode. 

Okay, let’s talk shame-free commitment. This is big. This is a big part of your journey to quit porn. So the feeling driving you to quit porn is really, really important. The feeling is going to drive your action. And so depending on the emotion that’s here, it’s going to have a big impact on how you keep showing up for yourself. 

So here’s an example. If the circumstance is porn use, right? That’s factual, drama free, it just is what it is. The thought is I want to quit so I am good enough. If you’re thinking that you’re feeling might be something like lacking. 

Now, how do you show up when you feel like you’re lacking? You might have difficulty showing up, might be slow, might be depressing actions, hiding, avoiding, lying, really heavy action. You know, like when you’re taking action to do something, but it feels like, ugh, like you’re dragging something heavy behind you because it’s just so hard to get yourself to do it. 

That willpower doesn’t work very well. And it usually happens when we’re trying to do actions that don’t line up with the feelings, right? And so the feeling is lacking. It’s just going to be hard to do anything. And the result is more evidence that you’re not good enough. We really want to make sure that this feeling is something that is driving us to create change. 

This belief, if this belief around your commitment is I need to quit because I’m not good enough, I need to quit so I’m finally good enough and worthy enough. I need to quit so I can fix myself. I need to quit so I don’t ruin my brain more. I need to quit because sex and having sexual feelings are bad. I need to quit so that my spouse will like me again. So put those in the thought line and then play out the rest of the model and see how it works. It’s just not going to have really great results. 

And so here’s some non-shame reasons and non-shame commitments that you can use to quit porn instead. Instead of because if I don’t, my life will be ruined. And instead of because I’m not good enough and I quit so I’m good enough, it can be to use your time and your energy to create instead of to consume. You know, maybe you’re just using more time consuming porn than you want to. You’d prefer to be spending that time creating. 

Using your sexual energy to create a beautiful relationship instead of using it to consume pornography. Maybe you’re using porn as an escape, as a buffer from difficult things and the buffering isn’t helping you in your life. Maybe you just want to feel more in control of your life. Maybe it’s that simple. Maybe you want to work on your emotional health. You want to face the challenges of life without buffers, without escape and numbing. 

Maybe you want to create a life that you’re obsessed with, that you love, and porn is getting in the way of that. Maybe quitting porn is the vehicle that helps us to learn these tools to really change. 

I want you to look through these, consider some of these, and fill out the worksheet on this. See what non-shameful commitment you can come up with. Put them here in the thought line and see what feeling you feel. 

Now, if the feeling is something like, I imagine some of these, the feeling around it is going to be committed, right? We talk about commitment and we talk about that energy of commitment, that feeling of commitment. It’s a good one. Just make sure that the feeling here is helping you take the action that you want to be taking. 

I want you to be really aware of this narrative in your mind of, I have to, I have to quit porn. Why are you doing it? Because I have to. Because if I don’t, I’m going to ruin my life, la, la, la, all these things. And instead move I have to, to I’m choosing to. I have to process urges versus I’m choosing to process urges. I have to avoid porn versus I’m choosing to avoid porn. I have to do the program versus I’m choosing to do the program. 

Do you see how much more powerful this is? Now, this is going to take more inner searching than just, I have to, right? A lot of us, when we think about, well, why am I doing this? Because someone told me I need to, or else I’m going to ruin my life. Someone told me I need to, so I can have a relationship with them. Because I have to. I have to so I’m okay. We want to change that to I’m choosing to. 

It might take a lot of inner searching and that’s okay. And what am I truly choosing to do for me? Now a reminder, here in Overcome Pornography for Good, we do not have an agenda for you. We don’t care if your goal is to quit porn completely. If your goal is just to view a couple times a week, if it’s to cut out viewing, or if your goal is just to heal sexual shame. We don’t care what that goal is. 

We know and we trust you to make the right decision for your life. We just want you to heal and we want you to feel empowered and we want you to feel like you are adding good things to society and living your best life. So really sitting on that question, what am I choosing to do for me? 

Maybe you go through all the modules and you’re going through the healthy sexuality modules and all the videos and maybe it takes you going through the whole program to really decide what it is you want to choose and that’s okay. That’s okay, but we want to work towards this. 

So even if you’re stuck in the have to for a little bit while you’re learning and practicing these things, let’s keep this in mind and keep coming back to it. What am I really truly choosing to do? 

Our only goal is for you to heal wounds, learn the tools and to feel in control of your life and to have control in your life. Not just feel control, but to have genuine control. So you get to decide what your porn use looks like. We’re going to support you with that and help you achieve that. 

And again, a reminder, models, models, models. Do models, models. See what emotions you’re operating out of. If your main emotion is lacking, not good enough, worry, fear, shame, anxiety, that’s what we want to change first. Let’s start operating from an emotion that’s going to help you, not an emotion that’s just going to make it really difficult for you. 

All right, we’ll see you in the next video. 

I want to invite you to come and listen to my free class, How To Overcome Pornography For Good Without Using Willpower. We talk about how to stop giving in to urges without pure willpower or relying on phone filters so that you can actually stop wanting pornography. 

We talk about how to stop giving up after a few weeks or months. And spoiler alert, the answer isn’t have more willpower. And then lastly, we talk about how to make a life without porn easily sustainable and permanent. 

If you’re trying to quit porn, this class is a game changer. So you can go and sign up at Sarabrewer.com/masterclass, and it is totally free.