Episode 83: Top 3 Lessons from Private Coaching

You are listening to the Overcome Pornography for Good podcast episode 83, Top 3 Lessons from Private Coaching.

Welcome to the Overcome Pornography For Good podcast where we take a research-based, trauma informed and results focused approach to quitting porn. This approach has been revolutionary and changed thousands and thousands of lives. I’m your host, Sara Brewer.

Hey, you guys, welcome to the podcast episode this week. My voice is kind of going away. It sounds a little raspy, so hopefully you'll be able to understand me and hear me. Also, I have to tell you something so funny. For those of you who follow me on Instagram, you've seen this already. But I have to pull this up, it made me laugh so hard.

Here is my review shout out today. This is from one of my listeners, one of you listeners. It says, “Where are the Ts? I enjoy the content, but I'm having a difficult time with the missing Ts. The host absolutely refuses to pronounce any Ts.” Like T as in the letter T.

Oh my gosh. I read this and laughed so hard. I put it on my Instagram story and you guys were all cracking up at it. And I'm laughing because I know it's true. Because I know it's true. It is a damn Utah accent thing. Okay? So us Utahans, for some reason, we've got this weird accent where we don't pronounce our Ts. And some of you might have noticed.

I got this message from one of you listeners that also follows me on Instagram. You commented, you said, “My wife and I listen to the podcast and when discussing it we’ll sometimes purposefully drop the Ts in words like important.” I'm going to try to really emphasize the Ts here. “Important, mountain, Satan, et cetera. We just say we're channeling our inner Sara.”

That made me laugh so hard because yeah, how I say it, I say important, mountain, Satan. Oh my gosh. So for you, Snilwarb, who left that review. I'm going to try harder to pronounce my Ts just for you. And hopefully for the rest of you, I didn't just ruin my voice.

You know how sometimes you're listening to someone and then you notice they start doing that really annoying whistle thing, where like whenever they finish a word, let's see if I can do it like, like so this is what I said. It's obviously not that obvious, but you hear it once and then you can't unhear it. And you can't stop noticing it every time you hear them talk and it drives you nuts. Hopefully, I didn't just do that for those of you who haven't noticed yet.

I did a little poll on my story, and I said, “I'm so curious, have you noticed that I don't say Ts?” And 33 of you voted yes and 157 of you voted that you hadn't noticed. But a lot of you who said you hadn't noticed, most of you also live in Utah. So from one Utahan to the rest of you, I'm sorry, I’m really going to emphasize my Ts. And also thank you for that review, it made me laugh.

I showed it to my husband too and he was laughing. And he said, “Hey, if the only reviews you're getting that are dropping a star are because you don't say your Ts, that's pretty good. If you get four out of five stars, because you're not saying Ts, I mean that's one of the better reasons you could get a lower rating on your podcast, is just because you can't say your Ts.” I’m like you know what? That’s a good way to look at it. That's really funny.

So, all right, now I'm a little nervous because I’ve got to pronounce my Ts. Okay, here's what we're talking about. I told y'all last week we were going to talk a little bit more about private coaching because we're having openings for this in Overcome Pornography For Good. I'm going to talk about it more at the end. But I want to provide some valuable learnings for those of you who are listening to the podcast, these top three lessons that I've learned from private coaching.

And I've learned these lessons from doing a lot of private coaching. I've had a lot of private clients. And from being a client who does a lot of private coaching with other coaches. I've done a lot of private coaching myself.

So lesson number one is that there is a difference between getting it intellectually and really getting it into your bones and into your beliefs, right? We understand things intellectually before we really, really get it into our beings. And that's what a lot of you experience from this podcast, right?

There are these new ideas, this new knowledge, this new education that is opening up a whole world to you and you're seeing these transformations happen in your life. But some of you are like, “Yeah, I understand that, I understand that concept. I understand how shame is harmful, I understand shame is coming from my thoughts. But I still am not changing and I'm still feeling so much shame all the time.”

Or I understand that I'm viewing porn because I'm buffering and because I'm running away from emotions, but even though I understand that, I'm still doing it all the time. So there's a difference between getting it intellectually and then getting it into your bones and into your beliefs. And that's okay, that's normal.

We all have our blind spots, we just do. We can't see everything. We have our own stuff that creates blind spots where we don't see what's holding us back, maybe like little beliefs that you don't see as beliefs. So, for example, I might have shared this on the podcast in an earlier episode, but I do love this example.

For example, I used to have this belief that I'm just not a hard worker, I’m not a hard worker. And I would talk to a coach about it, I remember bringing it to a coaching session. And, you know, I'm just not a hard worker and that's okay. And I don't have to feel shame about that. And I can learn how to be a hard worker, and this is something that I can learn.

It sounded like really good things, but my coach was so wise and used the model that I think I've taught you in this podcast before, if not, we really dive into it in the program. Used the model and they stopped, and they said, “Okay, I'm not just a hard worker, you're saying that to me like it's a fact. Like it goes in your circumstance, like you can just go and prove that.

And then you have all these thoughts about it. But is that a fact? Is I'm just not a hard worker a fact? No it's not, it's actually a belief that you have about yourself. Why are you believing that?”

And it really clicked for me because it was a blind spot that I had. And as soon as this coach pointed it out to me, I was able to see what she was saying and understand that it wasn't just a fact. It was something that I was thinking.

And as soon as she said that too, and we coached through it, this I'm just not a hard worker was this made up story that I had in my mind. And it was so interesting because, I mean, I look at my life and I've always been a little bit of an overachiever over here, first child syndrome is what I call it.

So I did, I always worked really hard. I worked so hard on sports I worked so hard at school. I worked so hard in my university classes. I worked so hard in my business. But there was this one part of my life, it was maybe like 10% of my life, where I wasn't getting things done and I wasn't staying committed to it.

And I took that one 10% thing, and I made it this whole identity and made it mean all these things about me. When 90% I was working really hard and 10% I wasn't. So why was I making this 10% mean this whole identity? Let's change that story. It was really, really eye opening for me because in that moment I really, truly thought I'm just not a hard worker. It was such a blind spot.

Other examples of blind spots might be stories that you have about yourself that you really believe. And you might even see them as a story. Like I can't quit viewing porn, or I'm not good enough, or I don't follow through with myself. All these things are stories that you have about yourself, but you're not sure how to get past them.

Maybe you even recognize it's a story, but you're like, okay, but I really, really believe this too. And I have all this evidence that this is true. And yeah, Sara, your story is 10%, but my story is like 90% of my life. That's where a coach comes in so helpful. And this deep dive transformative sessions that you have with an individual coach, they can be so helpful there.

Maybe you're struggling with motivation and with commitment and you recognize that you are, but you're not really sure why. Maybe it takes a coach to come in and see these blind spots and ask you questions and point out things like, well your commitment is actually really fear and shame based.

And so it makes sense that you're not staying committed because if fear and shame are the emotion that's driving that commitment, you're not going to be able to keep it up for very long. Fear and shame are really horrible motivators. How can we come to a better motivation, a better commitment, a better reason for quitting porn that will help you stay consistent.?

Or maybe you think that you're processing urges and emotions really well but you're not, it's really using willpower. I see this happen often with clients in the program where they are like I processed this emotion, but it didn't go away, and I just gave into after a while. And we dive into it, and I ask them all the questions and we really dive into what they were doing when they were processing.

What I show them is, okay, here's where you're going wrong. Here's where you stop processing, this is when it turns into willpower. If we can tweak this one thing, it'll be a lot easier.

It's like weightlifting, I've been doing a weightlifting class. Okay, I just started this week. I’m pretending like I've done it for a long time. No, I just started, and let me make sure I pronounced my Ts, weight lifting. And I've done it by myself for a while.

I do like lifting weights, I do it at my house, I've done it at the gym. It's enjoyable, I like it. But I have blinders. So even though I've watched videos and I've read stuff, when I go to this class, my weightlifting coach has a lot of little tweaks for me that are really helpful. She can see these things that I couldn't see.

So, for example, today it was my shoes. My shoes kept slipping and so she pointed out to me, she said, “Hey, you might notice people in this class are wearing Converse and wearing Vans. And that's because these really flat shoes give you better grip when you're weightlifting instead of these more cross training shoes that you have. They're not as grippy and they're slipping. And these flat shoes are the best for weightlifting.” I was like, okay, really helpful.

And then she gave me these stoppers to put my feet on while I was doing these exercises and it helped me so much. She helps me with my form, she picks out these little pieces that I’m missing, that I don't see when I'm doing it myself.

Will I still make progress if I'm doing it myself? Yeah, totally. But will I avoid injury, and will I make quicker progress having someone point those out to me? Yes. And so for me, it was worth going to this class and getting this help. So that's the first lesson, is that there's a difference between understanding it intellectually and then really getting it into your bones and into those beliefs.

The second thing is that belief work is work, and it doesn't always come naturally. Now, occasionally after a coaching session something clicks, and you get it and you're good. And you've switched that belief, you've changed that belief and that was easy for you.

For a lot of other times it takes work. And that work, you know, a lot of people that come into the program and they think that the work is going to be not looking at porn and sitting with the urges. And that is, that is work, that's difficult. But anyone in the program, those of you who are listening who are there in the program will tell you that that's just a small part of it.

But the real work and the hard work is changing those beliefs. And you have to be very intentional about what you're telling yourself. And you have to be very intentional and aware of what you think and what your beliefs are.

We just did a coaching call yesterday and I talked to someone specifically about this. I'm trying to remember exactly what we were talking about. I think it was coaching around beliefs on shame. And this client had a lot of awareness around it and had gotten a lot of coaching around it. So they were aware of their blind spots and could see all of that.

And then they were saying but it's still keeps coming up. And I said yeah, because it's work and that's okay. But you have to decide, you have to make this conscious decision that you're not just going to let your brain believe that story that there's something wrong with you anymore. You have to make a conscious decision and be willing to when your brain is telling you that, be like nope.

And I remember when I first started this business and first started working with clients. And this was actually mostly when I started putting my work out there a little bit more publicly for a lot of people to see. I knew intellectually that what I had to offer could help so many people. And I knew what I had to share was so valuable. But it took time to really get that into my bones.

Like it took months for me to really get to the point where that was like a natural thing for me to think. It was not natural for me to think, oh yeah, what I'm putting into the world is really valuable. For a while there it was maybe I'm not good enough. I don't know if I can really offer as much as other people. Other people are going to make fun of me. Who am I to do this? No one's going to listen to me because I'm a female. All these beliefs that I had to get a lot of coaching on.

And I have, I was telling my coach who works for me now, Kat, about this the other day. I remember just crying during coaching sessions and I'm like, “What is wrong with me? I actually can't do this. I can't do this. And I know intellectually I can, but I just feel like I'm not good enough.” It just takes time to really get in your bones and it takes work, and it takes practice.

And it took me months to get to where I am now. And it's been a while since I've struggled with that. But now I have other stuff that comes up, right? Belief work is work. I talk about that specifically in the belief plan episode too, of an exercise that I did every single day. But it took me doing that work and then so much coaching because it's hard to do on your own.

It's hard to do on your own. It's a lot better to have someone point out those blind spots, see things objectively, right? Your own brain has a lot of drama and it's always that way. So it's so helpful to have someone on the other side who doesn't have all that drama to point things out objectively to you and help walk you through things.

Okay, so that's number two, is that belief work is work. And one last thing I want to say about this is it really is a choice. I did mention this just a minute ago, but it is a choice. It's you deciding we are done believing that. We have the awareness around it, we get it intellectually, and now I'm deciding to not just believe those things anymore.

And then lastly, number three, belief and changing your beliefs and change in general, learning these skills, learning how to process emotion, learning how to sit with urges, learning how to stop giving into the all or nothing thinking, learning how to get out of the shame. All of that comes from practice.

And I'm going to use my weightlifting example again. I can understand how to get really strong shoulders. But I'm not going to get the strong shoulders until I put in the reps. And rep after rep after rep and day after day after day, and even years sometimes, right? It takes practice and consistent reps to get it.

And so that's true with everything that I've taught you here in the podcast. It takes practice. That's why I want you to know, if you're listening to the podcast and you’re like, “I'm getting it, but I'm having a hard time applying it. And I mean I've seen a lot of change, but there are these things that I'm having a hard time getting over.” Of course, that makes sense to me.

Of course that's happening, there's nothing wrong with you. You just need to practice more and maybe you have some blind spots. Maybe you need to come and get some coaching.

Beliefs and changing your beliefs, changing the shame beliefs, changing the all or nothing beliefs, changing all of these beliefs that are keeping you stuck come from practicing thinking new thoughts. Beliefs are just thoughts that you've had over and over and over and over again. And maybe some of those thoughts were given to you when you were a young kid.

I love that view of beliefs, that they're just thoughts that you think over and over and over again. Because sometimes we think, “Oh, it's this belief and it's ingrained in me, and I can't change it.” That is a lie. You can change any of your beliefs. And all it takes is practicing new thoughts that you believe.

That's another big part of coaching, is helping you find other beliefs and thoughts that you believe and thinking those new thoughts over and over and over and over again. Now, that you believe is really important because if you hate yourself, and you hate your body, and you think that your body is just the worst. If you just tell yourself, I love my body, I love my body, I love my body, I love my body over and over and over and over again, it's not going to work because you don't believe it.

You got to start with something more believable and work your way up to that. But you can change beliefs from putting in the reps. And the reps are just choosing new thoughts to consciously think every single day. And that is another big benefit of doing private coaching, because you have set times every single week where you get to go and practice those new beliefs, practice the skills, and look for more things that you aren't aware of, get more help with the blinders.

So it might be helpful to consider private coaching if you are sick and tired of porn controlling you and you're really ready to quit. Like once and for all ready to be done with this. You also might consider it if you don't believe those phrases, you'll have to struggle with this forever, and once an addict, always an addict. And maybe you just feel sick when you hear that language. And you're starting to really repel that language and you don't believe it and you want to prove that wrong.

Maybe you're sick of feeling shame around this habit and you understand how it's affecting you, but you really want to get out of that shame. If you believe that you're capable of anything, yet for some reason porn has been that one thing that you can't seem to get rid of.

You should consider private coaching if you feel that desire to have someone coach you and guide you through the process in a more intimate way. Maybe you want more accountability. Maybe you want a deeper dive into these concepts to really understand them and apply them to you to make that deepest level of change possible so that you don't go back to pornography.

Guess what? That is totally a possibility. You can listen to the what's possible series in his podcast if you don't believe me. But we have clients who do that, and who do that often, okay?

Maybe you're already in the program, but you're having a hard time applying the things and you've had this private coaching on your mind. And you're feeling called to it, you're feeling drawn to it a little bit, you think it would be really helpful for you. You want to apply things deeper. You want a little bit more accountability. If that's you, it would be great to consider some private coaching.

If you're in the program, if you're feeling stuck, if you want more intensive one on one help, this is a really beautiful option for you. Okay, I'm going to give more details on it if you go to sarabrewer.com/waitlist, join the list and then I'll send out all the details. We just have to figure out a few more things, make sure that we have enough spots open, and then we'll send out all the details.

Again, sarabrewer.com/waitlist and we'll send out how to sign up, pricing, payment plan options, et cetera. It will be an investment, but it is very competitively priced. It's not something that is really insane or really out there. We want to make it available to as many of you as feel called to do this private coaching.

Okay, so hopefully you go join that if you're interested sarabrewer.com/waitlist. Otherwise, we have a great, I just recorded a great interview with Tina for you guys next week. So we'll talk to you next week. And hopefully I at least pronounced a couple more T's this episode. I might need to hire a speech coach to really help me get that down.

All right, you guys, have a great week, we'll talk to you later. Bye bye.

I want to invite you to come and listen to my free training called How to Quit Viewing Pornography Even if You've Tried in the Past. If you like the podcast, you will love this free training. We talk about, number one, how to not rely on willpower or phone filters so that you can actually stop wanting pornography.

Number two, how to guarantee that you won't fail no matter how many times you've tried in the past. And number three, how to feel good about yourself while becoming someone who doesn't struggle with pornography. You can access this training at sarabrewer.com/masterclass.