Episode 98: Laser Focus

You are listening to the Overcome Pornography for Good podcast episode 98, Laser Focus.

Welcome to the Overcome Pornography For Good podcast where we take a research-based, trauma informed and results focused approach to quitting porn. This approach has been revolutionary and changed thousands and thousands of lives. I’m your host, Sara Brewer.

Hey everyone, welcome to the podcast this week. Man, can you believe it's already November? Let's see when this is released, what, is Thanksgiving going to be over? I think so, jeez. Yeah, its mid-November at the time I'm recording this, it's gone by fast. This fall has gone by really fast for me. Yeah, I hope you all are just really enjoying this time, that you're able to be really present and find just joy and contentment wherever you're at.

I remember reading an article about the Christmas season a little while ago, and the main topic of the article was just being still and just allowing yourself to be still and to stop the hustle and to stop the constant trying to be better and better and better. And just be still and let yourself sit in contentment and peace and whatever your religious beliefs are. For those of you who celebrate Christmas, letting yourself sit in that beauty that is Christ and just sit there and just be enough exactly how you are.

So I don't know, I hope we're all cultivating that and creating more of that in our life. There's another quote I've been thinking about a lot lately, I don't know who said it or where I heard it, I just remembered it. Does that happen to anyone else.? The idea is, my current goal is only in service of the next goal. Like once I accomplish this goal, then there's another goal. And then once I accomplish that goal, then there's another goal. And these goals are just in service of the next goal.

We think that once we accomplish things we're going to be happier. Once we finally lose the weight, we're going to be happier, once we finally get the job, we're going to be happier, once we finally make the money we're going to be happier, whatever. What we learn is that just isn't true. It just isn't true. And all of our goals are only in service of the next goal.

So make sure whatever goals it is that you have, make sure you are completely loving yourself through that goal, being content through that goal, and accomplishing the goal for fun and with a joyful attitude. Not an attitude of, “Let's finally get this one done. Okay, finally did that. Okay, then let's finally get the next one. Okay, finally did that. Okay, now I can feel good about myself, except for I can't because now I have to accomplish this next goal.”

It's just, I mean, it's the rat race, right? It’s the visual of a horse being led by a carrot stick, you know, he's grasping for the carrot stick, grasping for the carrot stick, never quite reaches it. Sometimes, well, I think often that's how we live our lives if we aren't careful, you know, always grasping, always grasping, always grasping.

So I love this time to just be content and be at peace. And we can continue to work towards our goals, especially if you're listening to this podcast your goal is probably to quit porn. And we can continue to work towards that and make a lot of progress. And let's do it in a way that feeds our soul instead of a way that exhausts our soul.

And in fact, there's this awesome win and I just barely read it, so I didn't even plan on reading this. But there's this awesome win I want to share with you guys that really makes this point so good. This is from a client in my program, Overcome Pornography For Good, which if you're not in there, what are you doing? If you want to quit porn, you got to be in there, come join us.

But this is what they say. This was like from a survey question, so I sent out surveys to see how progress is going. And one of the questions is what changes have you seen in your life since starting the program? And they say a few things and then I'm going to skip down to this part.

They say, “My life and my thoughts are much less occupied with porn or with the thought about it being the thing that I need to overcome. I feel like I am overcoming it, whereas before I felt that I need to overcome it but didn't feel like I could.” I bet some of you will relate to that.

“My life is moving forward without porn and it's not how I initially imagined victory feeling. I used to imagine one day that I would feel victorious and would feel in that instant that I was done. But I'm starting to realize that victory is gradual. And the more victorious I am, the less dramatic I feel about it.” Oh, that's so good, that's so wise. “It's more like I'm just moving on with my life without pornography and I really like it.”

Yeah, so good, right? It's like that carrot, going back to that carrot and horse example. We’re trying to reach it, reach it, reach it, and we imagine what it's going to feel like when we're done, like this beautiful like, yes, I did it. Victorious, one moment, one moment where it's just victorious and dramatic and we're done.

And absolutely, we can experience moments like that. But more often than not, how we see the most progress is when we notice that it's gradual, it's not a big dramatic moment, and it's just step by step. And it just becomes part of your life instead of like a big, huge thing.

A great example of this is, my husband and I talk about this a lot with money goals. So often you think, okay, once I make this amount of money and I get it in my bank account, it's going to be like this big moment like “Yes! Can you believe it? Look at this, this is amazing.” When the reality is, you become that first.

So when you're working towards this goal, my husband and I are both entrepreneurs and so that's how we like to measure how our businesses are doing, right, numbers. And so we're working towards numbers. And my husband specifically was talking about this with his business, how he has this specific goal. And oftentimes we think that it's going to be this big moment where we hit this goal and hallelujah, look at this, this was amazing.

But the reality is, is that it's not often like that. It's more often than not where you hit that goal and you're like, “Oh yeah, of course I did. All right, cool.” Because moving up and moving into that goal, you are becoming the person, you are experiencing that goal and reaching that goal before it even happens.

You're doing all of that belief work, you're becoming the person who has accomplished that goal. And so by the time you do hit that goal, it's not like winning the lottery. It's not like a big, exciting thing that happened. It's like you've been doing that every single day, you've been becoming that, you've been embodying that goal every single day that it's just like natural, like, yes, of course, okay? Does that make sense? I hope that makes sense.

And this is also why it's so important to learn how to be content, happy, peaceful, confident before you actually reach your goal. Because we think the goal is going to give that to us, we're going to have this big moment and our whole life is going to be changed. And it's not like that. It is small steps, gradual changes where you just get more and more confident every single day.

And then one day, you're like, “Oh yeah, I haven't even looked at porn for six months and I don't even want it.” And instead of it being like, “I did it!” It's like, “Of course, of course. All right, what's next?” Right? So cool. I love it.

So, getting into the content today, and there was some content there. But what I do want to talk about today is laser focus, being laser focused. And I want to talk about the five easy proven methods to guarantee that you quit porn in 2023, which is a free class that I have at the end of the year that I am so excited for.

I love doing this podcast every single week, I know many of you love the content. This class, my goal for it is to be really powerful, really hitting all these points really hard, have tons and tons of value, and to help you leave feeling extremely confident in your ability to quit porn and 2023. We're kind of looking ahead to the next year, 2023, how are we going to do it? And these five easy and proven methods to guarantee that you quit porn in 2023.

I'm very excited about this class. You will also, so this is a live class. I don't know if I will be offering a recorded version. There will be like a replay if you can't attend the live class, but going forward I don't know if there's going to be a replay available. Probably not, it's probably going to be a limited time thing.

So since this is a live class, that also means that you get access to me and to my brain and to my coaching during that class. I'll stay as long as we have questions. And so if there's something that you're having difficulty with, if you're slipping up at a specific time or place and you want my feedback, if you need some help, if you have questions, this is the time to get that individual help from me.

I'll get emails often you know, “Hey, can I talk to Sarah one on one? Is she doing a free class that I can ask her questions?” And we always respond, you know, look forward to this next free class that we have at the end of the year. I'm not doing these quite as often as I was, there aren't a lot of opportunities to talk to me one on one unless you're in the program.

And so if you want to chat, if you want some help, if you want access to me, you’ve got to sign up for this class. It’s going to be really great. You can sign up for that at sarabrewer.com/fiveeasymethods, that's F-I-V-E-E-A-S-Y methods, M-E-T-H-O-D-S. No dashes, no capitals, and the five is spelled out, it's not the number five.

And so with that, you know, thinking ahead 2023, five easy proven methods to guarantee you quit porn in 2023, I want to talk about the power of focusing, and the power of laser focusing on one thing at a time, right? We want to do all the things, that's just what we want to do as humans. We want to do all the things.

We set goals and we're like, I'm going to lose weight, I'm going to quit porn, I'm going to quit drinking. I'm going to create a great cleaning routine and a great morning routine and a great meditation routine. I'm going to make more money, I'm going to travel more, I'm going to read more books, I'm going to do all the things, I’m going to take my vitamins, right?

And we just, we just can't do all the things, even though we really, really want to. So the biggest secret, and this is one of the biggest things, like if I am thinking top five things that have changed my life dramatically, this is one of them, focusing. Laser focusing on one thing at a time, just one. And if you're like I was, you feel some resistance. You're like, “But all the things are important. But I want to do all the things.”

So it takes a little bit of discipline. Not a little bit, it takes a lot more discipline to focus on one thing than it is to let your brain think that you have to do all the things. There are so many reasons why I recommend doing this. The biggest reason is that you just get so much further when you focus on one thing at a time.

When you're trying to do five things at a time, you don't even accomplish one of the things, right? And you spend so much time working on all those five things. You focus on one thing, you master that one thing and then you move on to the next. Then you master that thing, and you move on to the next, then you master that thing, and you move on to the next.

I think in a podcast episode before I've used the example of a gymnast, right? There's all the events as a gymnast, and a gymnast is going to get so much better at their craft if they just focus on the bars, okay? We get really good at the bars. And we're going to mess around with the other things and learn some skills with the other things, but we're really laser focusing on the bars, and then we master those.

And then we move to the floor routine. And then we laser focus on the floor routine, and then we move, right? So just choosing one thing at a time is going to help you master your craft so much more quickly than trying to master all the things.

This also requires you to kind of step out of that rat race and step out of that belief that you have to do all the things in order to be happy and you have to become all the things in order to be happy. That just is not true. And I know a lot of us were taught this growing up, but I want you to be willing to question that.

Happiness, contentment, peace does not come from accomplishing or becoming. Happiness, peace, contentment comes from being present in your life, practicing gratitude, and cultivating thoughts and beliefs that allow you to be happy and peaceful and content.

So it kind of requires you to get out of that headspace of the rush to become all the things and do all the things. So we're not doing that anymore, we're focusing on one thing at a time. Not only is that going to help us get further along in all the things, but it's also going to require us to love ourselves right now as we are.

The reason that focusing on one thing at a time helps us become more successful and get more done, is because our energy is limited. Our energy, our brainpower, our creativity, as much as we would love to be able to just be 100% all the time, we can't. We're not supposed to. We just cannot be 100% all the time.

And so we want to use the energy that we do have in smart ways. The smartest way is just one thing at a time. You've heard me say, if you've listened to other podcast episodes you might have heard me say that we tend to overestimate what we can do in the short term and underestimate what you can do in the long term.

So overestimating what we can do in the short term, this year I'm going to quit porn, quit drinking, have a better cleaning routine, meditation, lose weight, read more books, travel more, right? We overestimate what we can do in the short term. And so many of us do that, we've got to stop doing that. What that does is it keeps us from accomplishing things in the long term.

Which brings us to the second point, right? And we underestimate what you can do in the long term. So if I were to sit down with some of you, I might ask you what do you want to accomplish this year? And you give me that big list of all that stuff, you're totally overestimating. And then I ask, well, what do you want to accomplish in the next 10 years? And you say, oh, I want to buy a house and I want to have a kid, maybe. And I want this position in my company.

And those are great things, those are beautiful things and you do not have to want anything more than that, that's not what I'm saying. But what I'm saying is that you are under estimating what you can do in the long term. In 10 years you can do so much more than you think you can. And what's keeping us from doing that and accomplishing those long term goals is often overestimating what we can do in the short term, okay?

Energy is limited, one thing at a time. I want you to have this vision of laser focus. We're laser focusing on one thing at a time, this allows us to do more, and this teaches us to prioritize what is really important in our life. When you have to choose just one thing, you really have to think, “Okay, what is actually important to me?” And then it requires you to get rid of a lot of the fluff.

For example, when I decided to go all in on this coaching business and helping people quit porn, and that was my one thing, my laser focus, I had to drop and I'm going to read 100 books this year, and I'm going to make sure that I clean the house every single night. You know, these things that honestly are kind of distractions, they're not as important to me. I had to drop those and really recognize what I wanted to prioritize in my life.

And as I talk about this, so this doesn't mean now we drop everything in my life and I'm not going to focus on being a good parent, and I'm not going to focus on having a healthy body. No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying we're using our discipline, we’re using our creativity and our extra time to laser focus in on this one thing. Everything else, and I'm going to talk about this in a moment, everything else, like it's not like everything else is just falling to the wayside.

Everything else will get better as I'm focusing on that one thing. But I'm also not using as much discipline, and willpower, and creativity there. And I'm letting them happen a little bit more naturally. And so I'm focusing on I'm going to practice being a present mom, and I'm going to maybe try to make my parenting a little bit easier.

How can I have more fun with my kids? How can I make this more enjoyable? Because I'm using all my discipline on this one goal, and so how can I make this part of my life really beautiful and enjoyable and fun and easy? I'm laser focusing and using my discipline on my business, so how can I make moving my body easy and fun and simple? And it simplifies everything.

And so now instead of I'm going to do this, and this, and this in my business, all this discipline in my business, and I'm going to wake up at 5am and workout and all this discipline with my body. And I'm going to make sure my kids say five things they’re grateful for before dinner every single day, all this discipline with parenting. I'm using my discipline for one thing, and everything else is still thriving and working in the background, but I'm letting it be easy, okay?

Part of this is trusting the process. Trusting that everything else will get better as I laser focus and get better at this one thing. I hear this often, often, often from clients. They’re like I'm laser focusing in on these skills of quitting porn, and my relationships are getting better, and I'm more productive at work. And I'm eating better and I'm drinking less.

And I'm not focusing on drinking less and I'm not focusing so much on being more productive at work. I'm not really focusing on those, but because I'm so laser focused in with this with porn, it just naturally applies in these other areas. Okay? That is what you will find that happens as you laser focus in one area. Other areas of your life, you'll naturally be able to apply what you're learning and everything else will get better too. But we've got to keep that laser focus vision.

Okay, a great example of this with me, you know, when I'm laser focusing on my business, my parenting gets better. I'm so much happier at home because I'm feeling very accomplished in my work. I'm feeling very productive in my work. I'm feeling very fulfilled in my work. And then so when I go home, I don't have to require my kids and my husband to fulfill me. I already am. I'm already fulfilled and I'm already happy. And then I just get to be with them.

I always say being a working mom makes me a much, much better mom. I have much more patience, I have more to teach my children. And this is just me personally, right? This might not be true for everyone, but this is how I see it. I have much more patience for my kids, I am much more present with my kids, I have a lot more energy to focus on with my kids. And so my time with them is such higher quality.

I would love us all to cultivate this belief, as I simplify my life and as I laser focus on just one thing at a time, everything gets sweeter. Everything gets better, I grow faster, I grow exponentially faster, and everything in my life falls into place. I would love for us all to start cultivating that belief.

Okay, you guys, that's what I have for you today. Like I said, come sign up for this class that we're doing at the end of the year, Five Easy Proven Methods to Guarantee You Quit Porn In 2023. It's going to be an amazing live event. I don't know when I will be having another live event, come and give yourself the gift of this class, this free gift.

It's like a gift I'm giving all of you, this free class that I'm very excited about. The content is going to be amazing, you're going to be able to spend time with me in a live setting. And if it's calling to you, if you're feeling called to come and listen and join, give yourself the gift of that time to come and listen and be with us.

So you can sign up, the link is in the show notes or, again, it’s sarabrewer.com/fiveeasymethods. All right you guys, have a great week, we'll talk to you next week. Bye bye.

I want to invite you to come and listen to my free class, How To Overcome Pornography For Good Without Using Willpower. We talk about how to stop giving into urges without pure willpower or relying on phone filters so that you can actually stop wanting pornography.

We talk about how to stop giving up after a few weeks or months. And spoiler alert, the answer isn't have more willpower. And then lastly, we talk about how to make a life without porn easily sustainable and permanent.

If you're trying to quit porn, this class is a game changer. So you can go and sign up at Sarabrewer.com/masterclass and it is totally free.