Episode 99: How to Guarantee Success

You are listening to the Overcome Pornography for Good podcast episode 99, How To Guarantee Success.

Hey, before we start the episode today I want to remind you that I do have this brand new free training in December, that is live, called Five Easy, Proven Methods to Guarantee That You Quit Porn in 2023. We're going to talk about the five important skills that you need to learn in order to make this a reality for you in 2023.

All of you can quit porn in 2023 if you learn and master these skills that I'm going to teach you. You can sign up at sarabrewer.com/fiveeasymethods. Because this is a live class, that means you'll have access to me and access to my brain and be able to ask any questions and get coaching there on the call.

I don't do many live free events like this outside of my program anymore, and so if you want to be a part of this live experience with me to ask me questions, this is the time to do it. Again it's sarabrewer.com/fiveeasymethods, we'll make sure to put it in the show notes, and enjoy today's episode.

Welcome to the Overcome Pornography For Good podcast where we take a research-based, trauma informed and results focused approach to quitting porn. This approach has been revolutionary and changed thousands and thousands of lives. I’m your host, Sara Brewer.

Hey, you guys, welcome to the podcast this week. Episode 99, that's so crazy. That's so fun. That's such a fun number. I am such a weirdo a little bit when it comes to numbers. If I see a number a lot, I'll look up the angel number meaning of this, or the spiritual meaning of this number. I just, I don't know, I think it's fun.

And I Googled that with 99, I Googled 99 angel number meaning. And what came up on Google, the first thing I saw is number 99 in numerology is a symbol of completion, new beginnings, and infinite possibilities. It's a special message that you have the power to create your own reality. Remember that anything is possible if you believe in yourself.

So I just thought that was kind of fun. And fitting for today because I did not know that that is the numerology meaning of 99. But what we're going to talk about today is how to guarantee success. So let's dive in.

Probably the first thing that comes to mind is, well can you? Like can you guarantee success? And my thoughts about that are that no one can guarantee it for you, but you can guarantee yourself success. And that's a big shift, okay? That is really taking responsibility for your own healing.

You know, no one, no one out there can say, “I guarantee that I can have you quit porn,” because they just cannot do the work for you. No one can do the work for you, only you can do the work for you. And the best news is that you can guarantee that you will be successful in quitting porn for yourself.

That is a mindset that you can cultivate. That is a belief that you can cultivate. You can live from that place, that I have guaranteed to myself that I'm going to quit, and I know how to do it and I'm going to do it. And it requires really taking responsibility for your own healing. It's not your spouse's responsibility.

And I don't hear this too often, but I do hear it enough that I do want to address it for just a minute, right? Like your spouse is not responsible for whether or not you view porn. This might be a little bit like of an older mindset. I hope we're kind of coming out of this, but it's still something to address.

And a lot of us probably still have it like a little bit subconscious even if we wouldn't come out and say it specifically. I'm sure there are many who, you know, many people who think, “Yeah, if my spouse doesn't have sex with me, then I will look at porn.” And in fact, I just addressed this on my Instagram account last week.

I had someone ask a question, they said, “I looked at porn and as soon as my spouse started having X, Y or Z sex with me, I stopped looking at porn. So what do you mean the solution to quitting porn isn't more sex? Because that's what worked for me.” And first I was a little bit hesitant because I'm like, if it worked for you, why are you following this page? If really, your spouse having that sex with you, why are you listening to me? Sounds like we're not quite there yet.

And then I spoke a little bit about no one is responsible for you viewing porn except for you. You might have urges, you might have desires, you might have this feeling, this urge to go and look at porn. But just because you have that feeling does not mean that you have to do it. Your spouse not having sex with you is not creating urges, it’s not creating your porn use. You are creating that porn use by viewing porn, right?

So we really need to take responsibility here, it's not our spouse's responsibility. And really, like ask yourself if maybe you're using your spouse a little bit as an excuse of you looking at porn. And if you are, that's okay, let's work through it. Because as long as that's in your mind, you're always going to be giving your power away, viewing porn when you don't want to because you're blaming your spouse.

So let's really look at that, it is never ever, ever anyone's fault or responsibility that you're viewing porn. It's not your coach or your therapist’s responsibility for you to quit porn. And I'll talk about this a little bit, right, you can have guides and you need to have the right information. But it is you.

Your future with porn, what your future looks like with porn is your responsibility. And you can guarantee that you'll be successful in quitting. You can guarantee that to yourself. We're going to talk about how in just a moment.

But I do want to talk for just a quick second, even if it's not your fault, your complete fault that you are where you're at, even if you know you are not to blame for the woundedness that you're experiencing, which I believe is so true. I think, actually, I'm going to share this post that I shared on my Instagram, again. You guys should come follow me if you don't, because apparently a lot of good stuff that I'm sharing on there that I just want to chat about on the podcast.

It's a post by this therapist I love, sitwithwhit, they said, “Not everything is a choice. You don't get to pick your parents, where you're born, or anything as a child. You likely don't choose your trauma, or your illness, or your disability. Sometimes things just happen, and it has absolutely nothing to do with choice.”

This is kind of in response to combating that shame that comes up or just the inconsiderate response sometimes where everything in your life is a reflection of the choice you have made. That's not always true, right? Like we are all wounded. We didn't get to choose where we grew up, the beliefs our parents taught us. We didn’t get to choose a lot of these things, the internet that we had access to, right?

But now that we're here and now that we're adults, we get to be responsible for our healing. Probably not 100% responsible for our woundedness and our hurting and where we're at today, but we are 100% responsible for our healing going forward and what your future with porn looks like. And that is really, really good news. Really good news that you do not have to depend on anyone for that and that you can create that in your life.

So that's the first part of guaranteeing that you succeed, is that you get to take responsibility for your own healing. And if you remember the interview I did with Tina, who is a coach in the program, we talked about the success triad. And success comes from these three different parts. It is, well we talked about like the program specifically, it was the program or knowledge, a coach, or a guide, and you.

So all three of these parts, you have to have the knowledge. You have to have the correct knowledge, you have to understand how your brain works, you have to understand the best way to quit viewing porn. You have to have a guide, okay?

And notice that I say guide, not like guru or not someone to come and pull you out or someone to save you here. You have to have a guide. And then you have to have yourself, and you working on yourself, and you doing the work and you developing that deep inner trust of being able to do what you want to do, all right?

So that's how we are successful. We have the correct knowledge, the correct information, find a guide, someone to help with the process, a therapist, coach, us coaches in the program, a mentor, someone. Someone to help you see things that you can't see. And then you. You have to show up, you have to develop that inner trust. You have to do the work.

And as you start putting these parts together, you can trust that success will be inevitable and that success is on its way, it's in the mail. And as long as you never give up, and as long as you continue to learn, and as long as you continue to progress, you will be someone who quits porn.

And I want you to think of this like a mindset almost. We're having a guaranteed mindset. You know, like when you buy something and it's like “money back guarantee,” and then you don't feel as nervous to purchase, because you're like, “Oh, I'll get my money back if I don't like it.” Right? I want you to have that type of mindset almost going into this. So this is guaranteed.

Now, really think about this for a moment. It is very difficult to stick through a goal if you do not believe that you're going to get the result you want. It's very difficult to go to the gym day after day after day if you don't believe that you're going to build the muscle you want.

And so most people, they go to the gym and they're like, “Of course. Of course if I just keep lifting, if I just keep coming, I'm going to build the muscle I want. It's not like I'm going to come and lift these weights and nothing's going to happen. I'm going to come and lift these weights and I'm going to get the result I want.”

So if you show up to quitting porn with that mindset, like of course, of course, if I come and I learn these skills and I do this work, I'm going to build these muscles so that I'm not looking at porn. So that I'm more emotionally mature. So I understand how to manage my urges, so that I don't fall into shame spirals, all the things. And I will quit porn, that is guaranteed.

That's what I try to do in the podcast a lot, it I try to teach you and help you have these breakthroughs to understand the science, understand all the concepts, that yeah, this stuff works. And then we just go, and we do the work. That's really the container of the program. The whole milestone system, all of the program work, all of the coaching work, it's that container to really do it all.

And for those of you, you know, if you want like a really basic outline of the process and what it looks like and you haven't listened to my free class yet, I would definitely recommend you do that. That's at sarabrewer.com/masterclass. It's like a 45 minute class where I talk about the whole process in a very high level.

But once we have that, once we trust that, then we step into it like, “I know I'm guaranteeing to myself that I'm going to be able to quit porn.” And you know what? I need to do more episodes of people who quit porn and come in and do this work and it just works for them. Because seriously, like every single week, every single day almost I'm hearing of people with insane amounts of success going through the program and doing the work. It works.

People who have been doing it for months, people who have been doing it for years, it takes people different amounts of time. But as soon as you step into that space of “I am guaranteeing my success, which means I'm showing up, which means I'm not showing up just to twiddle my thumbs, but I'm showing up to actually apply the work, right?

You go to the gym and if you just show up and you're like lifting five pound weights and it's super easy and you're not really doing the work, you're not going to build the muscle you want to do. You're going to go in with the intent to build shoulders. Go in with the intent to build biceps. Go in with the intent to build calves, whatever it is.

And as you focus on those muscles they grow, and you activate those muscles as you're lifting. And so it's the same thing, we're going in with this intent to quit porn because we've guaranteed to ourselves that we're going to quit.

So we show up and we really do the work. We don't just like pretend that we're doing the work. But we really process the urges, we really look deeply at what's going on. We do those learn and move on worksheets and really look at taking that slip up and turning it into as a stepping stone.

Okay? Success is inevitable, it's on its way. I love thinking of it like I sent in a mail order and so it's coming. And just like when I make an Amazon order, I make that purchase and I'm like, “Oh yeah, I know it's on its way. It's guaranteed, it's coming.” And so I'm not like super anxious, “Am I going to get this thing or not?”

No, it's coming. It's on its way. I want you to think of it that way with your result of quitting porn. You've sent for it, it's on its way. Now we're showing up, we're doing the work and we're just waiting until it comes, okay?

One of the best ways to make success inevitable for yourself is to use the model. And I don't know if I've talked about the model a lot on the podcast, we really dive into it in the program. Let me give you a high overview, this was created by Brooke Castillo, who I love. She was my first mentor, one of my very first certifications was through her, and we use it a lot.

So the model is just quickly how you think creates your feelings, and how your feelings creates your actions, and your actions create your results. So you think something that creates a feeling, that feeling creates an action, that action creates a result, right? You've heard me talk about this in parts in all the episodes, right?

And so what you do is you use this model, and you think about, “Okay, when I quit porn, this is what I will be thinking, this is what I will be feeling, this is what I will be doing, I will have these results. And when I'm someone who doesn't struggle with porn, these are my thoughts, feelings, actions, and results.” And you just journal, journal, journal, journal. Really think about that, really think about who that person is.

And then you look at that model and you live that model now. And if your actions aren't totally there and your results aren't totally there, that's fine. You start with the thoughts and the feelings. So when I quit porn, I'm going to be confident and I'm going to feel really in control. Okay, we're going to focus on feeling confident and in control now.

When I quit porn I'm going to think that I am really strong and I'm going to be really proud of myself. Okay, let's think about how strong we are now and be really proud of ourselves right now. And as you live into that person right now, the more you can live into that person now, the quicker your success will come. That's just how it works.

You become that person, even before you have the results of that person. This is so, so powerful and this is going to help you guarantee success for yourself, okay? You can do this. You can guarantee success for yourself. It is a mindset, it's a choice to believe in that and it's something that comes over time.

One last thing that will help you is I want you to be willing to drop your timeline. So instead of, I guarantee to myself that I'm going to quit porn in three months, you're like, “I don't really know if that's true. Oh, that feels kind of out there.” Let's just drop the timeline. Just, “I guarantee to myself that I will quit porn.” Drop the timeline.

And then we're going to focus on the skills. For those of you in the program, you're really going to focus in on all those milestones that we work on. Focus on the skills of emotional management, of urge management, of commitment, of identity, reframing your identity, the skill of learning from those slip ups. You're going to focus on those skills, not just focus on avoiding porn and not looking at porn, okay? As you develop the skills, that result will come, okay?

All right you guys, have a great week. Don't forget about our free class that's coming up. It's called Five Easy Proven Methods to Guarantee That You Quit Porn in 2023. We're going to talk about five major skills that you need in order to guarantee this for yourself. So go and sign up, sarabrewer.com/fiveeasymethods. It’s totally free, super excited about it. Hope to see you there.

I want to invite you to come and listen to my free class, How To Overcome Pornography For Good Without Using Willpower. We talk about how to stop giving into urges without pure willpower or relying on phone filters so that you can actually stop wanting pornography.

We talk about how to stop giving up after a few weeks or months. And spoiler alert, the answer isn't have more willpower. And then lastly, we talk about how to make a life without porn easily sustainable and permanent.

If you're trying to quit porn, this class is a game changer. So you can go and sign up at Sarabrewer.com/masterclass and it is totally free.