Episode 95: Emotion Doc: Certainty

You are listening to the Overcome Pornography for Good podcast episode 95, Emotion Doc: Certainty.

Welcome to the Overcome Pornography For Good podcast where we take a research-based, trauma informed and results focused approach to quitting porn. This approach has been revolutionary and changed thousands and thousands of lives. I’m your host, Sara Brewer.

Hey everyone, welcome to our podcast this week. I'm excited about today. I'm always excited to sit down and record and talk to you guys, but today is going to be fun. I was talking to my coaches this week and telling them about an exercise that I do to help me get into some good emotions, especially before a coaching call, before I start coaching someone, right? It's really important where we're at emotionally before we start coaching.

And I shared with them this idea and I was like, “Oh, this would be so good to share on the podcast too.” So this is going to be a great tool that you're going to want to use. Before we dive into what it is, I want to just give a little background, a little bit of teaching around emotions that is really important to understand as we go into the why we want to use this tool I'm going to teach you.

So I want you to think of emotion like fuel that drives your actions, that drives everything you do. There's all sorts of fuel that we put in our body, right? Food, so your body responds differently when you eat different food, right? If you only eat sugar, if you eat a lot of sugar, your body is going to respond differently than if you eat, you know, protein, fat, carbs, and less refined sugar, okay?

Your energy, the way that you're able to respond has a lot to do with the fuel that you put in your body. This is why athletes have strict diets, because they want to put enough fuel in, they want to eat all the things that will help them have the most fuel to perform their best. So whatever your goals are, you just want to make sure that you have the fuel to help you do that.

Emotions are another highly, highly crazy underrated, like I think in 100 years we're going to look back and be like, “Why didn't we teach more about emotions.” It’s so underrated the type of fuel that they give our bodies, that they give our actions.

The emotion that you are feeling is going to create action. You are going to show up different, even if you're doing the same exact thing you're going to show up different depending on the emotion that you're feeling, okay? If you're going to work and you're feeling stressed, you're going to show up different than when you're feeling capable.

If you're spending time with your family you're going to show up different if you're feeling resentment, versus if you're feeling gratitude. When it comes to goals you're going to show up different in accomplishing that goal, maybe it's to run a marathon or whatever. So you're going to show up different if you're feeling committed versus if you're feeling defeated.

It's crazy how under estimated, under taught the power of emotion is. This is like if you don't get anything else from what I teach, understand that your emotions create actions. And so if you want to change your actions, you can't just focus on the action, you have to focus on the emotion that you're using to create that action.

This is where a lot of willpower happens and burnout happens, is we're only focused on action without focus on changing the emotion. So we're trying to work, trying to push through with that same emotion of shame, or stress, or disappointment, and that's when you burn out. Whereas if you change the emotion and you operate from patience, worthiness, committed, confident, whatever, you're going to be able to sustain action much, much longer.

I recently coached a client on this just last week. He showed up to the coaching call brand new to the program, pretty new to my work and he said, “I'm just not committed. I’m not committed. Can you help me figure out why I'm not committed? Help me figure out a why.” I think that's what he wanted. He's like, “I need a better why, I need a better why.”

And I just knew from talking to him for those first few minutes it’s like you don't need a better why, let's see what the emotion is that you're working from right now. And we talked and figured out his main emotion when he thought about quitting porn was disappointed. He's just so disappointed in himself. Anytime he thought about quitting porn he felt disappointed. He felt stress, he felt unworthy, and he felt disappointed.

And so no wonder he wasn't having motivation. No wonder he wasn't able to keep showing up for himself. Because the main emotion, the fuel that he was giving his body was disappointed. You're not going to be able to create sustained, lasting effort, you're not going to be able to quit porn if that main fuel that you're feeding your body, that you're feeding your actions is disappointment.

So that's what we spent a lot of time coaching around, is what can we feel ourselves with instead? How can we create different emotion to fuel your body? And that's what I want to focus this podcast episode around, is how to create different emotion, different fuel for your body, okay?

So how we do that, how we create emotion, how we create different fuel, is by our thoughts. That is a really beautiful, wonderful way to start creating emotion in our body to change emotion, is by our thoughts. So what you want to do is you want to start generating thoughts that will create different emotion. And this hopefully isn't news to those of you who have been listening to my podcast for a while.

Now, I was talking to my coaches this last week during our coach meeting about this idea of an emotion document, something that I've been doing and works really, really well for me. So if there is an emotion that I try to access often, maybe I have a new big goal and the emotion I want to create is belief, or confidence, or certainty, we're going to talk specifically about certainty today. I create a document with a whole list of thoughts, sentences, visualizations, whatever it is, that really helps me access that emotion.

And so I take, you know, 10 minutes every now and then and just write. Like I get into this emotion that I want to feel and then I write the sentences, the thoughts that create that for me. And then I have this whole list of these thoughts that create this emotion that I can refer back to. So next time I'm ready to get into this new energy, I refer back to this document. I read through it, I visualize it, and I add anything else that might be coming up for me as I'm creating this new emotion.

Oh my gosh, you guys, this is such a powerful tool. Emotions, it's so fascinating how your body feels different with different emotion. And for those of you, you know, this is something we were talking about this week too, is that men especially have been conditioned to not feel emotion. Many of us have. Just in our world, just with whatever our parents believed and thought, we're just kind of trained out of feeling our motion, and it's really a bummer.

And it's really done a disservice to us. Especially those of you who have listened to the podcast, understand quitting pornography is about feeling your emotion instead of pushing emotion away, and that the reason that you go to porn is to escape emotion.

Man, if we would have been taught how to feel emotion we would be, man, we would all be so much better off. But now we are learning how to do it so that we can help our children and they can help their children and we can just continue to heal the human race.

So, emotions feel different in your body. And so even just think for a moment, like you're trying on clothes, okay? What does it feel like to be filled with belief? Imagine that for a moment. And then what does it feel like to be filled with doubt? Just play with that. What does that feel like in your body? That feels different, doesn't it?

What does it feel like to be filled with confidence? Can you feel that in your body? And can you feel how there's that slight difference between belief and confidence? What does it feel like to be filled with happiness? And can you feel the difference between happiness and confidence? There's these subtle differences. So it's just a fun way to think about emotion.

It's like trying on clothes, they all feel different in our body, and we have the ability to access these emotions based off of our thoughts, our beliefs, and the sentences that we put through our brain.

So what I want to encourage you to do is to ask yourself, what emotion would be the most helpful for me and my goal of quitting porn? It could be commitment, it could be confidence, it could be curious, it could be worthy. I like curious, especially if you're really, really struggling, like feeling so, so much shame. It's kind of hard to jump from shame to worthy. Like, I suck to I'm great, that’s kind of a hard jump. So curious is like a really great middle ground.

Or certainty, okay? So today we're actually going to talk about certainty, and I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to do with this. As I was writing this outline, I was like, maybe I'll make this a little bit of a series and every now and then I'll just come on and do a new emotion that we do an emotion doc around that we talk about.

If that sounds interesting to you, will you let me know because I think I'm going to do that because I had a whole list of emotions that I wanted to give you a bunch of thoughts and sentences for. And it was like, this is just too much, this is way too long for one podcast episode.

So today, we're going to focus on certainty. And also, if this is something that I decide to do a little bit more in the future as like a series, what we'll do is we'll create a bunch of PDFs that you can download and then you can just, “Here's my certainty doc. Whenever I'm trying to feel certainty here are some mantras that Sara gave me, I can use the ones that work, cross out the ones that don't work for me and add my own.” So like I said, if you're interested in that, let me know.

But let's focus specifically on certainty. I love this emotion. I love this emotion, especially for when it comes to accomplishing goals. Do you feel how certain feels different in your body than belief? Belief is a little, I don't even know how to describe it. It's a little bit more like, hopefully, like I believe I can.

Certainty is certain. It's grounded, it feels like of course. And this, if you can get into this emotion it will serve you so, so well. Certainty, like of course I'm going to reach this goal. Of course I'm going to accomplish this thing.

We recently had a client, Tina was telling me, who's a coach in the program. She was telling me about a client that she is working with in the program who this last week she, one of the questions we'll ask often to our clients is, I want to quit porn, but what? How would you fill in this sentence? I want to quit porn, but... And then we look at the but and we work through the buts. It sounds funny, we work through the buts.

So this client said, “You know what? There is no, there is no buts. I want to quit porn and I'm going to, and I feel fairly certain of that. And I feel like I have everything I need, and I'm not worried about it, I'm not concerned about it.” And oh, what a powerful moment that was for him. And like an amazing place to get to. That is certainty. That is certainty. I'm going to quit porn and I feel grounded in that. And I don't feel flighty about it, I don't feel stressed about it. I'm just certain. I'm certain it's going to happen.

Okay, so we want to access this emotion and use certainty as fuel to drive our actions. Did you know that? Did you know that you can feel certain before you've even done it? Like I can feel certain that I'm going to learn how to run a marathon without even ever running a marathon before. You can feel certain that you're going to quit porn without having quit porn yet.

A lot of us think, “Oh, well, I have to wait until I have this result to feel this emotion.” No, this is what's so powerful about this, emotion doesn't come from doing things. It doesn't come from actions, it doesn't come from results, emotion doesn't come from accomplishments. Emotion comes from thoughts, beliefs, things that we feed our mind. So we can access any emotion anytime we want without having the result yet.

So to get into this frame of mind with certainty it can be really helpful for you to remember a time that you felt certain before. Certain in yourself before. Let's even push it to, yeah, to certain in yourself. Not just certain about anything, but certain in yourself.

What's something that you're certain that you can do? What's a goal that you have accomplished that maybe you weren't able to do before, but you can do now? Like I am certain that I will bring in X amount of money this month. I am certain that I could get this type of job. I am certain that I can bench press this many pounds. I am certain that I can run a mile.

And if you can, it would be really helpful to get into this energy with something that you haven't done before but you feel really certain that you can do it. So, like I'm pretty certain that I could go and run 10 miles. I don't remember the last time I ran 10 miles. I actually hate running. I do, I hate running, but I'm certain that if I worked towards it, if I got a running schedule, if I like put it in the front of my mind, I'm pretty certain that I could do that.

Now, that doesn't mean I'm going to, I don't really want to. There are other goals I'd rather work towards, but I'm pretty certain I could do that. Okay, so it might be really helpful to get into that energy with something that feels very certain for you right now, okay?

And then what we want to do is we want to apply it to your goal of quitting porn. So let's create a document, let's create sentences, thoughts, beliefs that can help you create this fuel. Here are some examples that I came up with as I was writing this outline.

Please use any of these, steal any of these if they work for you. I'm going to read them, feel into your body, feel that certainty into your body and any of these thoughts that I read that specifically hit like, “Yes, that helps me feel certain,” steal those. Use those, think those, create fuel from those thoughts, remind them to yourself, read them to yourself every single day, whatever you need to do, okay?

So here we go, here are some thoughts that might bring certainty for you. If I never give up, I can do this. I have endurance. I can accomplish whatever I put my mind to. I've done hard things before. I've done difficult things before and so I know I can do this, especially if I never give up. Other people have done this and so can I. Even other people who are less capable than me have done this and so can I. That might be a helpful one.

I am relentlessly patient. Because I'm not in a rush this outcome is certain. Every single moment puts me closer to reaching my goal. Every single mistake puts me closer to quitting porn because I am relentlessly patient and because I have the tools to quit porn. I was made for this, I was literally made to overcome pornography. My brain works exactly as it should and I have everything I need to quit.

Everything is working in my favor to overcome pornography. God, angels, spirits, everything is all behind me making this goal possible. Stuff is working in the background that I'm not even aware of that's making it possible for me to quit porn.

It is my destiny to overcome porn. I was always meant to overcome porn. My desires are meant for me. What I want is meant for me. God doesn't mess with me, God doesn't give me desires that aren't attainable. Because I want to quit porn, I can. Quitting porn is very attainable.

And side note here, I hope that the podcast and the program, you know, all these tools, I try to make it as simple as possible so it's easier for your brain to believe that. All you have to do is learn these tools, is make it through the milestones in the program. We've got emotional management, beliefs, and identity, learning how to process and manage urges, accessing commitment, accessing emotion. That's all we've got to do.

Quitting porn is very attainable. In fact, I will look back and think, “Of course, of course, I was always going to quit porn. I can't believe I ever doubted that. I remember when I doubted that, but of course I was always going to.” I will quit porn. I have everything I need, or I can get everything I need to quit. All of the knowledge, all of the resources, and all of the help are easily within my grasp.

Okay, can you feel that? Can you feel the certainty pulsing through? Add to that. Pretend and practice and really get into that emotion. I love to do this by sitting at my desk, taking breaths, turning off all distractions, imagining what that feeling feels like and journaling and writing all sorts of thoughts, all sorts of things that help me get even more into this emotion of certainty.

Okay, so that's what an emotion doc is, it's a list of things that help you get into helpful emotion. We just did one on certainty and I think we'll probably do more in the future on other emotions that will be really helpful for you.

Okay, you guys, have a great week. I'll talk to you next week, bye bye.

I want to invite you to come and listen to my free class, How To Overcome Pornography For Good Without Using Willpower. We talk about how to stop giving into urges without pure willpower or relying on phone filters so that you can actually stop wanting pornography.

We talk about how to stop giving up after a few weeks or months. And spoiler alert, the answer isn't have more willpower. And then lastly, we talk about how to make a life without porn easily sustainable and permanent.

If you're trying to quit porn, this class is a game changer. So you can go and sign up at Sarabrewer.com/masterclass and it is totally free.